Anarchic wondering of a professional torturer

Gay...

2012-01-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

So as I have spoken on this issue in the past, yes I am a gay man and I must say one thing, it sucks.... I know it's screamed from every right wing conservative douche bag that "it's a choice and these delinquents just need to be put straight." I'm sure, I am not the first gay to say this but I would not wish this on my worst enemy! I want to put this into perspective. By the act of posting my opinion and my orientation online I run the risk of being fired for something that has nothing to do with my job so in that way I have to be constantly stressed that I will be let go for letting something slip, thankfully or not so thankfully I have nothing going on in my life to slip out, such as a relationship. On that note, in the gay relationship arena. You find quickly that men are assholes and care mostly about one thing, getting off and that is all they want so when I do get hit on, which is rare, I am quick to brush it off because the fact that they want me for the night and that's it. There are some of us out there that do want an adult relationship and have evolved past the 16 year old need to spread their seed, that both gay and straight men share. And sadly those of us that are wanting more have been beat down so much by the majority of the male population that when something real does come along both sides are too beat up and angry to let each other in; thus creates more distance and fear. True, I have never really trusted men and I am finding that this belief structure have created huge blocks in me that I am not sure I will ever be able to put to rest so in that way I keep finding broken men that continue to validate my trust, abandonment and worthlessness issues. I guess I should thank them for showing me those road blocks but hopefully I can show me something different for once.

2012 and 30

2012-01-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

So here you are 2012 and 30... and as this year starts to unfold in front of me I am trying like hell to make some changes and pray that this time change will come, because for too long I have been trying to force change to come about in my life and to obtain finally the things I ache for. I continually keep trying to make myself a better person and to bring things to me, but like normal my extremely low self confidence has been allowed to keep me stuck and shackled in spaces I don't feel I can be me and has continually brought idiots into my life that I try too damn hard to be loved by so I am learning to be loved by myself. 2011 was challenging but it did bring new windows, such as a new job that will help bring a new place to live; it has already brought me a new car! I am currently taking a online course about self sabotage and I'm hoping it will help. Todays lesson was a little hard and brought me to tears in realization of some past things that I am just too afraid to see and to recognize, so I hope I will work my way through this shit! I want to make my life a hell of a lot better than it has been! My dad said to me that, "your thirties are the best" and I responded with "I sure as hell hope so because up until now life has been shit!

Pep talk...?

2011-11-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

Oh how it kills me to see you in pain. Oh how I wish I could give you hope and comfort that all this will pass and yes it will but at the same time. Hope is not something I can shovel out with such ease as I have in the past because I have let life beat me to nothing. I have let each man show me that yes again the story shown to me as a boy is true men do nothing but harm and nothing but destroy the most beautiful worlds. So I want to give you hope so here is a taste yes I have no faith in men but there are a couple I see around that give me streams of hope so one day there will be one that is not a complete fucking coward and will take you on because there is no one on this planet who deserves it more than you. So just survive even though you are so fucking sick of breathing but thats all we can do, until the day we are proven wrong and we can finally rest.

The fifth wheel....

2011-11-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

So lately, I have been feeling really lonenly. It's seems that all my friends are starting to partner up, to some exctent, and I am nothing but ecstatic for all of them but at the same time I find that I am trying to be alone more and more just so they can have that quality time that I crave so much and I guess in my normal way I pull away before the goodbye.... I just feel so devastatingly lonely and I know I shouldn't but I do. I have been seeing someone for about 2 months now but it seems to be just like all the others I'm screwing it up, from what I have gathered from my mother. I am trying really hard to believe in myself and in something but my faith is pretty much dead. And not to be reminded that I'll be 30 in few weeks makes me depressed as hell! Just looking at the fact that I'll be 30 and still single and the longest relationship was 3 months; with a raging alcoholic and I can't even keep a drunk around... and it didn't help that I actually got to doze off with someone in my arms the other night and I can't even describe how much I miss that! I don't know I should just shut up but I guess there it is. I guess I will survive it or I won't but I must say at least my job and my friends make me a smile. I'm just really sick of being the fifth wheel.

Change

2011-10-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

It all seems too curiously frustrating how things so dramatically change and yet many things stay so excruciatingly stagnant. I have tried to force change in my life and will it, as if I was trying to pull a train from the tracks and put it on another set, so life could do something, anything different but it seems my life likes to sit. She, my life, is a finicky and boring little girl, who continually frustrates me. Seeing change in other's lives brings that longing backing into my ears like a cricket on your window cil that is still sounding out for its mate, or that fall has come again. I love more than anything in this world to see friends and family grow and change but I hate how I stay the same. I accepted long long ago that I will never win the "race" and that belief has made it very easy to accept my current state and survive as I do so devastatingly well.
I'm so proud to see my friends making steps into new worlds that will either send them flying or ground them in new beautiful ways but maybe all this will that has been screaming to be heard will win and be satisfied for a minute until it wants something new but as it has been seen for many many years I am the constant in this story that one thing that is always there to lend a helping hand, until I'm not.

City

2011-09-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

Your hard and gritty sidewalk continues to pound at my feet. Screaming skyscrapers that ever presently remind me of these heights, I just can't grasp. Beaten down and beaten up in one way or another to live in this city of broken dreams but that toughness will break you faster than this city could ever could. Rough and tumble is one way to be but this city has a heart deep down that's begging for you to find it and see that it's all going to be ok. But hearts are finicky things and even cities know how to build walls to protect all the things that should be shown in every window and draped across every protective scary old factory. Cities just like people are not to be conquered but to be peeled slowly until the rough parts are softened and the heart comes out of hiding.

Wishing

2011-07-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

I wish you didn't cause me to go down this self torturing spiral.
I wish I could love you like you deserve.
I wish I was better.
I wish I did hate so many aspects of my life.
I wish I wasn't flinching.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I could make you proud like you deserve.
I wish I was good enough to be..... anything
I wish i could hear you when you say I'm amazing.
I wish I could stop being so overwhelmingly jealous of you.
I wish I could do my job better.
I wish that all my friends could be happy.
I wish I wasn't so angry at you.
I wish I didn't believe the things that I do, and that I could show myself examples of how they are validated.
I wish I could get a new car.
I wish I could get a job that made me happy -and- didn't treat me like shit.
I wish I could finally see what I really want.
I wish I could stay focused.
I wish I had something to do other than sit and watch fucking TV and occasionally listen to the daemons in my head.
I wish I didn't wait so bad for night to come so I could just go to sleep.
I wish I didn't miss myself so much.
I wish I could get the phrases "I am love" and "I am abundance."
I wish I didn't fear that all this new age mumbo jumbo was just another mask to hide away all my issues.
I wish I could burn it all down somedays to just start over.
I wish that lighting photos on fire would have released me from your hold.
I wish that the part of me that gets excited that you are contacting me would drown.
I wish I could put myself first for once.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of you.
I wish I didn't have to vent.
I wish that everything I do wasn't more about someone else and less and less about me.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of expressing myself.
I wish you wouldn't keep continually coming into my life and proofing that all those beliefs I have had all my life are correct.
I wish I could trust men, people, myself, anyone.

A want

2011-07-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

So last night, I voiced a want and sadly, as I knew it would, it hurt. I stated to my roommate amy need for space and that I will be moving out and I feel terrible about it but if I didn't stretch I would learn to despise my non-stretching and it would ruin our relationship as it is, so I think it is time to go and for both of us. We will grow and as many people have told me that it will help us grow and help us to be closer friends. There have been so many memories in this place that I cannot ignore and she has been someone who was there for me at my worst and has held me when I was a fall down balling mess and I don't let many people in and sure I do keep her at arms length, but there have been moments when I have let her in. Her and Max have really been the only people I have ever really let see me a mess and yes, the torturer inside me pokes and prods at me for being vulnerable but none the less they have had moments of being closer to me than anyone. I will not let this friendship die and I hope she knows that. She made comments about worrying about how I do "drop" or "distance" myself from people and that has nothing to do with them it has to do with the fact that I don't think very highly of myself and continually think that my presence is not all that great, so I distance because I think people are better off without me but Angie has always told me otherwise and I will always be thankful for that. I know we both need this move and we will be better for it and we will be better friends now than we ever were living together.

On another note, I talked to my dad today and it went well I wish I wasn't so standoffish with him but I am and I don't know how to not be. I think I am still so filled with shame for what happened that I still cannot bring myself to let him in. I feel like I did let him in for a second, when I was happy, and now that all happened I am just ashamed that I am not like Chas.... I really think my dad should have a son that can give him grandkids and I know I can, in a off shoot way, but I can't even get someone to like me let alone stay with me to give it a shot and then when I do have someone that is interested I'm not interested in them and there goes the self punishing again. I guess, I still am punishing myself for not being the perfect son...

God reading this I see I have got still a long way to go and a hell of a lot of pain and issues to stop torturing myself for. I'm sorry I wrote this! I mean the main reason I don't post very often is I feel like my words don't matter and that all I do is vent. I had a friend tell me once that all I do is write emo stuff and I still to this day beat the shit out of myself for writing this stuff. I keep trying to be present and OM and all that but I see too often where all this OM and new agey self help crap is just skimming the surface and the dungeon is still in full service. I don't know I know I have triggers that set me off and I try like hell to avoid them but some just can't be. I hope that all these changes will start to heal me and heal my life that seems to be taking turns with myself in kicking my teeth in over and over. I guess all I can do is keep OMing and hope that someday it will break the surface and start calming those rough seas underneath. So, sorry again for ending this all emo.

Flinched

2011-07-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm Just feeling this song today. So bizarre how certain people, places or even activities make you flinch and things you have worked so hard on to let go just come flooding back, but thankfully in this particular case this professional torturer isn't starting out with a beating and more with a hesitation and curiosity but the flinch is still ever present and still stings.

The gay delema

2011-06-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

So most days I feel like the only gay in the village. Most of the parties I go to or have, I am usually the only gay and it really feels lonely. I have tried to make other gay friends but for some reason or another they always skip out and yes I take ownership for the ones I have pushed away. I am very excited when I do meet "gays" because I don't feel so alone, but also I find myself constantly in suspect of them.... ok ok so my abandonment and trust issues are flying high when it comes to men, but still I try but maybe I am trying with the wrong ones because the ones that do try to come around I push away, for whatever reason. When I first moved down to Salt Lake I started hanging out with a "gay" and yes things happened that shouldn't and it ended but we were still friends but then some drama went down and he had to cut ties with me and that really hurt! I felt like I actually had a gay that I could relate to on a number of levels, which is rare because I am not your average gay and most gay culture gets on my nerves, but then he was gone... Then after my "heart destruction" some more came in and I loved them! Even with as fucked up and disastrous as I was. I had a hell of a good time with them, but now they have almost dropped off the earth and I guess at the time I could have been more communicative and I try to be now but it seems to be a loosing battle. I am very sad to say that they came in to my life at a very low point and maybe I did something wrong and pushed them away. I don't know? And yes I am "the professional torturer" and these are little scars of many that I stab again and wonder where I went wrong.
It's a daily battle to stop torturing myself for the decisions of others but I am so use to blaming myself that I know nothing else. But I am trying to change my thought processes but I have days from time to time that I am a little more critical of myself than others. This appears to be one of them but al least it's not every day all day like it normally has been. So that's a victory!
Plus I tried the new workout and I love it and it didn't kill me at the time but OH god am I sore! And for the first time in my entire life I look at myself in the mirror with my shirt off and said wow not too bad! So slowly but surely, I am getting fit and finding wholeness in myself.

Your Shape Fitness

2011-06-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so keeping with the goals for this summer, I have been working out just about everyday and I have been using the "game" Your Shape Fitness Evolved , and I have become addicted. It tracks your movement and it's like having a personal trainer and yes it screams at you when you do it wrong.... and yes I scream back! When I first started I couldn't take this bitch yelling at me constantly to do it right or go lower, arms higher (but all in French) until I found this wonderful thing you cannot do with a real trainer.... yell back! I love it now, sure she doesn't yell at me as much because I have done this one work out for a while now and can do it almost perfectly, but it's fun now! I have no idea what the neighbors think or the people walking by the apartment when they hear me screaming French swear words at my TV. Now I have finished my first sequence and now need to pick a new one and I must say I really like the results I am getting! I think I am going to do the work out designed by famed Hollywood trainer Gunner Peterson. It looks like it will kick my ass but that's the point! I will have to see how it works out. Today will be the first day of it.
So the working out portion of my daily goals are going along swimmingly but the rest I have been slacking... I have pretty much decided I am going to start learning Arabic, I am not sure who I will practice with but we will see. I am curious about it after trying a bit with my Rossetta Rtone program and I can say the words pretty well. I need to keep working on my French if I am going to get to the point I want to, and my writing has not been consistent. I have thought of things to write about several times daily but I am never in a place to jot it down, so I just need to make the space to do it. I have applied for a position in the Canyons district. I have not heard anything yet but here is hoping.
I have been think a lot about what I want and I am continually brought back to the place where I want to travel and I want to help people. That's something I have known my whole life. I just need to find away to do just that. So as I have been listening to the masters classes and they tell you to surrender to something higher than yourself and don't get in your own way. I'm trying to do just that.

Wants

2011-06-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to think about what I want and trying to find ways to pull it into my existence, and one way have been trying to do so is through cleaning my house and Feng Shuiing it. I have been having a lot of fun with it. My room is pretty good! I like it, I may change it again in a bit but I like it for right now and it feels good so I guess that is good. I am trying to use these little superstitions and psychological triggers to help spark my brain and spirit to actually declare what they (i) want. I know I do not wait to be taken advantage of anymore so if they will not pay me for my theatre classes I am going to not teach them. Plus I got my letter of recommendation that I needed so the job hunt begins, but I still need to define what I want so it can come in. One thing I know I want, yet terrifies me to no end and opens up a MOUNTAIN of excuses is this.

Next step is bringing that in and being whole through the process.

Goal for the next bit take time each day to write down wants and not be afraid of what comes out.

Excuse

2011-06-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about excuses lately; about all the stories I train myself to say, feel and know by heart just so it keeps me from being happy and getting what I want. I have spent my entire life believing in my worthlessness because I am terrified of being worth it. I am psychotically horrified of being good enough. I could never believe as a kid that I could be loved and all those fears and excuses have kept me safe yet in prison where I am the sole torturer.
I spend so much time and energy hiding who I am and who I want to be, just so I can make others around me happy and keep them from leaving, always putting my friend's, and my family's happiness in front of mine. I spend so much time stifling my opinions and and my own needs to keep everyone around me happy, in hopes they will not trigger my abandonment issues, which let's face it are all ready screaming!

I am starting to understand why I attract the "loves" that I do. They have been all too not ready for me and let's face it I am all to unready for them and so they continue to play the story that goes on in my head day in day out of abandonment, so again I can see myself abandoned by them and all the the others before them again and again, by myself. I make all these beliefs and excuses, so I can keep playing that same game over and over and these little "toys" that come in to my life keep playing the same role. So I need to put a stop to it! I have got to stop making pardons for those who have hurt me and let them stand trial for what they have done but also let myself stand trail for the countless times I have tortured, beaten and left myself for dead. The main thing I have got to learn is to excuse or more importantly forgive myself, That's the hardest for me!

I can forgive everyone else without thinking about it but to forgive myself is something I have never done. So this boy has had a life time of self beatings for the stupidest things, from tripping to letting myself fall in love and I have got to find a way to stop something that has always been second nature. I have got to find a way to help myself stop torturing myself and making excuses for not saying or going for what I want and learn to trust people and the process!

Illuminé ?

2011-05-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

Donc, je suis en train de tirer ma carcasse battue de ce trou où je me suis placé. J’essaye trouver des inspirations pour moi. Alors, je suis orné ma chambre des plantes, d’une fontaine, d’une affiche d’un musicien qui j’aime, Eric Himan, et un autre est en train d’ici !

J’étais illuminé d’écrire plus en plus mais je me trouve que je l’ignore pour la quelle raison je ne sais pas. J’ai des choses que je veux dire ou dois dire : certains de colère, certains de puissance, et certains qui sont toujours blessés mais je m’empêche parce-que laissons-nous admettre-le ; j’essaye m’aimer. Mais je pense que je suis au point que je n’écoute pas à la guerre qui continue au fond de ma tête ; bien sûr je l’écoute et ses bombes mais plus ou moins je ne m’implique pas dans ces explosions et j’espère que ça me évolue en n’importe quelle direction. Et il y a quelque jours où je peux me pardonner pour mon passé et dire que ce n’étais pas ma faute. Maintenant, il faut que ces idées restent ! En résumé, j’essaye être sympa à moi pour un changement de la vie mais ça n’existait jamais dans ma vie donc c’est comme une nouvelle langue étrangère pour moi que j’ai moi seulement de la pratiquer… alors on verra.

Inspired.

2011-05-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

So, as I am trying desperately to drag my beaten carcase from this hole I have placed myself in I am trying to find inspiration to surround myself with. So I have bought more plants, a fountain and hung a poster of one of my favorite musicians, Eric Himan, on my wall and I have another on it's way.
I have been being pushed to write more and more but I find myself ignoring it, for whatever reason. I have things that I do want to say: some angry, some powerful, and some that are still hurt but I find myself distracting myself from myself because let's face it I still am trying to like me. But I think I have gotten to the point where I am not listening to that war going on in my head constantly. Sure, I hear the bombs going off but I am not really investing in those explosions so much and I hope that's growth in some direction.
Plus, there are some days when I can actually forgive myself for the past and say that it wasn't my fault, now it's just making it stick. I guess in a nutshell I am trying to be nice to me for once and that hasn't happened in 29 years. So, this is a new language that I have no one to practice with but me.... so we will see.

vardo

2011-04-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have always felt like I am just a vardo. Where all I am and all I need are pact tightly inside and never calling anywhere home. I have only felt like I belonged or that I was somewhat home for a short time and that ended quite quickly, but other than that I have never felt like I belonged anywhere or that I was home. The word home in the dictionary has several definitions but one stands out in my mind as truth to what I would say a home is: a place where something flourishes. Also, I think it is a place you feel safe and I really don't believe I have ever really felt that way. Even today where I live now is great but don't feel any extreme connection to it, I don't feel like it's home. It feels in many ways like just a hotel room, a place I sleep and hide in. I mean there are many things about it that I like but to call it home for me is a long stretch.
I guess that is a good place to be in, in the place where you know something has to change. I am not happy with my life, really the only thing I have that works here is my family and my friends, they are the only things that give me a hint of home, but nothing else is working and a change needs to happen! I just have no idea where to go. Maybe one day I will unpack this vardo and plants some roots and feel safe and home, but being in a state of belonging is something I just can't seem to hold on to, so a vardoing I will go and keep me tucked safe inside.

The Mancold

2011-04-21T15:38:00.001-07:00

So I have a cold and it's not great but I live through it. I think it is really funny because my roommate has now come down with one and I find it so funny how differently we handle it, and not only her but other friends of mine who when sick they begin to express the "mancold" mentality, which if you haven't see the video on it, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ, check it out! But basically it is the I'm sick and they are extremely vocal about it. When, like most things in my life, I try to keep it as private as possible and that seems to be exactly how I deal, when I am in pain I hide it far away from view., and there is a strong part of me that sees it as a vulnerability and I fine with it for other people. When I see others being vulnerable I am great with it and I love them for it, but I cannot let others know that I am in pain and if I do let them know that I am in pain I will never reveal the depth of that pain. There is a strong part of me that says "suck it up!" and so I do. I hold it in tight as a drum and go to work or run around trying to do or help what needs to be done. To be honest I don't understand some people who are constantly screaming their pain, use to for a long time just try to fix them and now I have gotten pulled back that I have a hard time empathizing with those that continue to stab themselves and scream for help yet they refuse to help themselves and also that those painful screams are their only means of communication.
As I anylise that last sentence I would say that those people are expressing some screaming that is going on within me and that is very true my life continually teaches me to listen to my own screaming even if it still screams in language I don't understand. One day maybe I will let myself have a "mancold" but it's not today. :)

Playground

2011-04-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

On the playground we learn most of our lessons of life, it seems. I learned the same lesson on the playground as I learned at home. I spent everyday at school being told I was a faggot piece of shit who didn't deserve to live and at home I learned from my step fathers and step mother that I could never be good enough and I believed it for a very very long time. Then I started to believe in myself and I listened to the people around me and listen to them tell me what a great person I was and blah blah and then someone would come into my life to put all of those new beliefs to the test and with each of them I found out one thing. My friends and family lied... I am not worth it and not good enough. That is what keeps getting pounded into my head over and over again and I am so angry at myself that I believed in the lies that were fed to me by my family, friends, and by all the stupid self help books I read. They all said I was amazing and something to fight for but you know what? They lied! Every person that I have "dated" has thrown me in the trash and left me for someone better and not a one has ever come back saying they want to try again because I am not worth the come back. I am not worth the second glance! I am just what everyone told me on the playground "a stupid faggot" and I can't even do "gay" right because I was made so wrong! That I give a shit! I can't see people as just a date or just a fuck. I see them as a person, as someone worth it and I hate that I care. I hate that a simple text from an ex causes me to fall right back down in this pit I have dug. I hate that I care. I hate my fucked up heart. I hate that I am nothing! I hate that those others in my life that have wanted me and I am not interested, they are nothing but a reminder of how stupid I am! I am so angry that everyone lied to me! I am not something to want or to come back to! I have always been worthless and nothing and that is what I will always be because that is what the playground taught me and they were right!
I wish I could hear all those voices around me and not the ones screaming in my head and those of the ones that have thrown me away again and a again. I want to believe in myself again and see myself as I see everyone else, perfect. I wish I could find the truth and run with it instead of being so angry at the lie, whatever that is.

Intervention

2011-04-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

So my family and I just did an intervention for my cousin and I had no clue how much it would have shaken me. It was so hard seeing him in such a mess and seeing him hurting so bad and to see my whole family in pain watching him. He was in such a state and his parents, I have never seen them in such intense pain and everyone was crying and trying so hard for him to hear us!

I never noticed how much we have in common until that day, he and I are the only children in the family, we are the two who still don't have families. We both fight like hell to do things on our own and whenever someone else needs help we come running but when we are hurting we push everyone away. Sadly he was one of the people in this world who tried to get past my walls to only meet my dogs and I fought back to keep him out and I think I really hurt him in that process and I feel terrible about it! I know I do not have the addiction problems he is facing but I understand, I think, some of the feelings that may be underneath. I know from hearing him and his actions that he is lonely and it is frustrating to see the rest of your family doing well and you still drowning. I have heard him argue about how he will never get married and blah blah but I know, at least for me, that it is a front to keep you away from those emotions and even if you have a good job and a pretty good life, coming home to nothing is just lonely, so I get it. I am thankful I have not followed his foot steps and so many others in my family that continue to run from their pain and try to cover it up with booze or drugs or both. I know I am in pain and I know I have very little faith in myself and my life but seeing my family rally around him like that inspired me and I can only pray he will get the help he needs and move past all of this and I hope we as a family can help him!
Another thing that hit me really hard was I opened my mouth and voiced some of my own pain and my love for him and later my cousin Dee, god I love her, called me and it meant the world to me when all she said to me was "I heard you!" I am so continually amazed and thankful for those beautiful people in my life that keep coming back even after I have pushed them away because I feel I don't deserve them or that they have better things to do then to hear me whine yet again. They are pure beauty!

War

2011-04-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

In the silence the bombs start falling and they never seem to end.
In this sanctuary the chemicals are set loose until the eyes are burning red as the tears begin to fall and the burning pain commences.
I am at war.
In this solitude is when the snipers come and shoot straight through no warning and these walls are no defense to their killing coups.
On this vacation the bodies are lit aflame again and the ghosts come knocking and faces of past warriors are the burning reminders of where the wounds were made and they begin to bleed like the first time they were pierced.
I am at war.
Distractions of others lives real or not helps to peel the mind from the planning of the next attack.
All it takes is the smallest spark from an ally to send to bombs into blasts and there I go putting more mines in my path.
I am at war and it's a war that will be lost.

Attraction

2011-03-26T17:03:00.001-07:00

So another note on the other night with my friend, he went in talking about his attraction to men, cause he's gay, and saying that his attraction is very based on the physical. Which works but I see that, is the way most men are wired and then as I look back to myself I am not so much. I really look at the person and I get very interested in the person. When I am in a relationship I want that person only and stick to that thought. I look at others but I know where I want to be.
To be honest, when I see a good looking person I see them and don't really have the drive or need to go fuck them right then, like most men do. I don't let myself have those feelings. I can admire them and say that are hot but I cannot let myself feel the emotion or that drive. I think in many ways it comes from my devastatingly low self-esteem but ever since I was a kid I have learned to control my emotions for other people and because I was mostly attracted to men that wasn't "right" and wasn't what would make people around me happy so I cut... mostly... those feelings out and I think that mental conditioning still leaks in. I am sure there are many factors the lead into my attraction wiring but I still think I was made wrong so who knows. I don't really fit in the male world on either side.

A shift?

2011-03-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

So spent last night hanging out with a friend and they opened up to me somethings and I got to dive a little deeper into their make up. Yes, this is a new friend that I tried to date and I was continually blown off so I decided pfft oh well, but he is still a friend. I still cannot say he is not shrapnel inside me that I do scratch and stress about but after hearing a little more about his make up I can, at least for now, not blame myself for him running for the hills like all the others. I will see if I can look at this new knowledge and apply it to all the others but who knows if it will stick. I really have stepped into the ever present survival mode I have been in all my life and walled myself in, in totally new ways and yet in the same way. Keeping myself down so the fall won't hurt so bad the next time I am thrown in the trash and cocooning myself in all new materials so those continual blasts stay from from the fragile bits. Yah, kids this boy's fucked up but at least I am surviving and handling it on my own and helping the people I love pick their pieces up when theirs fall and watching them smile is what my life is all about and all I have.

Foot steps

2011-03-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

I hate that I am following your foot steps, that I am just like you. When I should be so honored to be anything like you, because you are one of the most amazing people in this world and yet these same praises have been said to me and that should have been my fore boating call... To be so "amazing" and yet be thrown in the trash by so many people! I still cannot watch you today because you deserve so much more than you have been given but yet, god, spirit, whatever seems to continually slap you in the face and tell you that, you are amazing to a great many people but not good enough to be anything substantial. Yet you are not alone but you might as well be as your partner is only half way there and you deserve so much more! You have been thrown out by so many men and people tell you "the right one will come along" and then you end up in an intermittent one sided relationship?! I just have to say FUCK you to god and all those assholes that were too fucking pathetic to see the fucking amazing jewel you are!
And I see myself getting thrown in the trash left and right just like you were and I hate it because I don't want to end up like you. But at the same time, I am nothing but proud to have any of your qualities! Sadly, you only have one protegé and this one cannot feel anything but sorrow for that fact because you deserve some one better then the one you have been stuck with. You deserve the best, but tragically, you got something far under par.

Creux

2011-03-08T17:54:00.000-08:00

Voilà, ils viennent de sauver la journée, la façon dont ils faisaient jamais, mais ces murs sont la maison, je savais toujours. Voilà, ils crient ton nom. Ici, vous vous divisez et creuser l'intérieur de cette coquille encore une fois. Parfois, la seule façon de survivre est d'être seulement une coquille et de concentrer intensément sur les contes de fées que vous vous assurez. Il y a si longtemps à placer tout le monde à distance et de concentrer intensément au bonheur des autres, avec l'espoir que si vous sauvez les autres qu’ils comblent le vide que vous avez creusé où vos rêves ont habillé autrefois. Prenez ces sentiments, ces désirs et ces rêves et les enterrez profondément, comme ils étaient, et laissez-les morts comme vous. Avec tous ces enfermés. Vous pouvez survivre, vous pouvez respirer un autre jour pour tous les autres.

2011-03-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

Fearing silence is away for you to avoid the screaming in the silence. That voice that is screaming to the surface and all the emotions that cone with it that you are so terrified to feel so shovel some more dirt on that grave and bury it yet again. Leave it all in a 6 foot grave and leave that space it once lived hollow and wall out the lies that fill spaces with false hopes and dreams that will never come to pass.

Writing blockage....

2011-02-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

So, I have been trying to write. I have two or three songs, poems, whatever they decide to be. That are screaming their way out of me and I just can't bring myself to tackle them, but I am sure they will open me up and force me to express them at some point even if I continually take more junk to clog myself up and keep those emotions buried. We will see when I get to them. For now a slice of a song that I like but have not really heard it in the light it was placed in to tonight at the Linkin Park concert. So, I will take it on as my new prayer.

Loup garou

2011-01-27T15:13:00.000-08:00

The blood pumps it pushing it through every piece of your being because it is what the DNA has told it to do, it attacks and changes every facet of what was suppoed to be and it destroys every dream that was laid down and every idea that you had. This secret hid deep down; this curse that was brought on by divine designe. The curse that begs you to feed, to want and “blesses” you with a hunger that all humans pray never to have every night yet this genetic mality keeps this saciation at just a taste and then pulls it far from sight so we will run for that carrot on that string and then again this daemon wins again to devour us another day another night. So here we are hiding this loup garou that is waiting and baiting to howl and devour that hunger but that peace will never come and this divine smite will be just another game for its rats to play.

Gratitude

2010-10-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

So, I have not been writing much for whatever reason, whether I have been sick of my own voice, hiding, or just being silent, most likely it is a combination of it all. It's funny how life pulls you right back to the same space and reminds you who you are and those little things that tear you apart internally are still very present and very much a part of your psyche. I am being reminded yet again of all the things I have to be thankful for, like the absolutely amazing friends and family. I have so much to be consistently thankful for and that is where I find the greatest help is when I remember that even though I very easily abandon myself and throw myself into my caregiver mode I still have amazing people around me that consistently inspire me to be a better person and to strive to take care and help those that I call my family even if they are not always blood.

2010-10-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's really funny how situations that happen in you're life are then displayed on your favorite TV drama but thankful you chose differently than the characters on the show.

Eric & The Adams - Wish You Would

2010-09-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

............ Enough said...

2010-09-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

I feel this quote is much like my life....
"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" Albert Einstein

More songs....

2010-08-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

The song I feel like...

The song I keep telling myself to listen to...

Assez?

2010-08-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Je ne peut pas être assez. je ne serai jamais suffit! J'essaie fortement d’être suffit mais je ne peux pas. Désolée plusieurs fois mais je ne serai jamais. Je souhaite que je puisse mais non tu le sais déjà, halas pourquoi tu m'as quitté parce que tu le savais bien que j'étais rien! Je suis désolée que je ne le sais pas et j'essaie encours. Oui, je suis d'accord je suis con de penser que je suis quelqu'un mais non je suis nul! Peut-être je vais croire en moi mais ce moment je vais me détruire.

Theme song...

2010-08-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Yup it still is... I heard it today and thought, "yup that's pretty much still me..."

Patterns (repeat)

2010-08-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

I posted this last year and it's devastatingly sad that it is still relevant and still haunts my thoughts.

I really don’t get it. I have a nice body but no you look away as I glance your way. I am a daemon in the sac and you won’t give me a try. I am a really good kisser but I guess my lips are too dry for your taste. I am cute but I guess that is only when your too drunk to see who your caressing. I guess I am not sexy but at least people say my personality is but there again that’s too boring, or maybe I am not and they were just trying to find a nice way to tell me I am not worth the cruise. I am the most loyal person you will ever meet but I am not good enough to hold your hand. I have the biggest heart you will ever see but I guess I am not important enough to inhabit a corner of yours. I have a great sense of humor but I guess your just laughing at me. I guess I could go on and on how wonderful I am but I guess all these thing I have been told are not true because here I sit trying to catch a glance but I am just not good enough to meet your standards. I have tried to blame you that there is something wrong with you but I see that there can’t be so it must be me. I have tried my entire life trying to be me without apologies and not listen to everyone who told me I should be this or that and now I see I should have listened because they were right I guess the world is telling me that all these qualities are just not good enough. So what the fuck is wrong with me, so I can fix it.

Can't not Alanis Morissette

2010-08-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's funny how this album keeps presenting old songs with new meaning to me. There is a reason why it's my favorite.

Can't not

i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
how would I explain?
how would I explain this to my children if I had them?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
how can I complain?
how can I complain when i'm the one who reaches for it?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I cannot walk without my crutches
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't help wonder why you ask me
to all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
you think you're the right ones
you think you're the charmed ones i'm sure
how can you go on with such conviction?
and who do you think you are why do you question me?
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't help laugh at underestimations
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't afford to be misled one more time
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we cannot help without your willingness
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?

Forgiveness?

2010-08-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

You have tortured me beyond recognition you have distanced my entire aide from me with veracious fury. You have beat and blamed me for everything. You have walled me in to the point that light is no longer seeping in. You have ripped my insides out and left them baking in the sun and then rammed them back in all dried and distorted to the point that they are hard and callused just like you want me to be, but there is a light that still shines but slowly you are painting that light over with my blood. What can I do to make you see it’s not all my fault? When will you see forgiveness? When will I let myself free and forgive like I have forgiven all my assassins before? When will I see myself as worthy of more than just pain and rejection? When will I see it’s not my fault? When will I forgive and release myself from this bondage?

Its a Bitch to Grow Up - Alanis Morissette (BONUS TRACK)

2010-08-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

Enough?

2010-08-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

Will I ever stop this rage for myself? Will I ever let myself be the prize and not the trash? I am so angry that yet again I am the blunt of so many jokes yet again I am the fucking looser that fights so FUCKING hard for people and still those do not fight for me! I am so angry that I believed in myself and still and always I wasn’t enough and will never be enough. I am so angry that I was not defended I was just given excuses to why it happened. I wanted you to believe that I was worth something! I wanted you to defend me but like normal all you have are words to deflect! I wanted you to say “you are a fucking asshole to throw Josh away like that!” But that would mean you thought I was worth something and that is just too much to ask. I wanted to feel like I wasn't just the bed warmer but that's all I am to everyone just the life support and once they're back on their feet I am tossed in the trash. I have felt like the trash my entire life and the second I start to believe I am worth something, someone comes along just to prove that I am only used and thrown out like week old Chinese food. I am so scared to believe in myself again. Here I go pushing away everyone thinking this anger and pain I feel shouldn't be in the open to bug those around me so I push and push all those away and wall up and close down. I have done this so many times in my life the walls just get bigger and stronger, the arm lengthening gets yards and yards longer and my self imprisonment increases. I guess I will always be in survival mode but I have always been just that, surviving and each time I have told myself I am not or I have let down my guard I am reminded that it doesn't matter how hard you fight for the things you want only some get those things and all your fighting leads to nothing. I guess like always most of the men in my life only want me when its convient for them and as the ultimate punishment god made me to be attracted to men yet never good enough for them. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't hate myself for being this way... I have tried my entire life to be someone, to be counted by the men in my life but I am just not good enough, I wish I would just believe that! I am always amazed by the people around me! I hope they know how much I love them and how much I still love those that have hurt me but that's me I love people I shouldn't and I believe in everyone even if they don't believe in me. I feel intensely sorry that I am writing these things out on a public forum but hopefully if someone reads these self hating revelations maybe just maybe they can see they are not alone and maybe they can see my self destructive tendencies and find them in themselves so they can grow. I just wish I was enough that's all and i wish I didn't care but I do.

Jay Brannan - Ever After Happily

2010-08-15T01:17:00.000-07:00

To post or not to post?

2010-08-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a blog and I am scared to post it. I usually believe to be honest completely and openly write my feelings out and let the world hear whatever I am thinking but this time I name some people out venting my frustrations but at the same time it is yes another upset blog and I keep getting shit from people about my "emo" blogging but this is my expression and if they do not want to read it I guess that's their choice but it makes me ashamed of my own feelings. As my Gran said "if they are complaining about my blogging then they really aren't your friends," but I still value the feelings of others over my own and I still bow down to them sadly in order to save them from my own feelings. I don't know if I wil post it but we will see.

Hermitting

2010-08-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

So I find myself wanting to close in and cave into myself not wanting to see or talk to anyone. I feel like this hurt is not localized to one issue but many that have been brought out by the major and has now snow balled into opening up all these others, but I guess the major issue I have is rage. I am so rage-full at myself mostly and at a couple other people, that shall remane nameless and I some how need to work through that anger. So I will take heed with this hermit tarot card and the hermit crab and just cave in until I can get over this rage or find a place to express it. I have been writing it out and it has opened my eyes to some rage that I have been suppressing and hopefully this is just a stage to healing but we will see.

Seeds

2010-08-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am hurt. Yes, I am filled with so much rage for vous and me, I have no idea if this hurricane will ever quell. Yes, I am devastated and my self-hate has hit a whole new level, my heart has been trampled to the dirt yet again but I’m learning slowly to accept it. I want so bad, to let myself ignite and burn down to nothing then at some point I will grow back from the ashes and maybe just maybe I will be stronger and better than before but I know the seed of strength is growing inside me and is trying to germinate; possibly, the thing is, it needs this fire and destroy everything and let myself drown and die and I can let this seed then grow and this new person will be better fit for this world and I can finally sleep. So here I dive into the dark and deep pain of my soul and see only the pain screaming me in the face as I am throwing knives at myself spinning on a wheel in the side show of my life but in this game I am hit every time because I know the best places to strike and tear the most flesh from the bone. So as I spin loping off pieces of myself and there is my support trying so hard to hold me together but all I see are the people that have thrown me so conveniently in the trash because of my lack of prestige for their world and there I go using their knives as grenades destroying every shred of self love I have. But there They are screaming about my amazing self worth and holding me together and sending the wolves away yet those wolves keep returning no matter how hard They try. So quiet I become, to hide my internal struggle and to beef myself up to the fight, to the war inside that I may not survive but if I do to what state? I have no idea, but the shreds that do are all thanks to you.

Eminem 25 to Life

2010-08-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to so many people in my life but most of all to the stories that I still tell myself.

Tired

2010-08-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am tired of thinking I am not worth anything.
I am tired of believing my friends only put up with me.
I am tired of treating you as my model for a man when you are just a little boy.
I am tired of being your little toy to boost your ego.
I am tired of pedistaling people who don’t give a shit about me.
I am tired of putting my real friends in the back seat to people who I have to fight for a glace from.
I am tired of letting my excuses control me.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tired of tearing myself apart for falling for each of you.
I am tired of hating myself for choosing to let you beat me up emotionally
I am tired of the shame I feel for breaking down in front of my friends.
I am tired of loathing myself for letting you in and having you make fun of my insecurities.
I am tired of feeling I must do everything alone because I know I always will be.
I am tired of feeling I can’t be anything to anyone.
I am tired of running.
I am tired of listening to the silence when I express myself.
I am tired of fighting and hoping you will come around.
I am tired of choosing to be depressed over shit I can’t control.
I am tired of letting you yoyo me and thus yoyo myself.
I am tired of feeling I need to be you to be happy.
I am tired of not recognizing the good with the bad in reflections.
I am tired of thinking that you need to treat people like dildos in order to truly be a man.
I am tired of forgetting myself.
I am tired of forgetting that I am a gift and so are you.
I am tired of not allowing people to love me.
I am tired of feeling I am not good enough when I continually see that the truth.
I am tired of not acknowledging my feelings.
I am tired of holding back my feelings in order to keep others happy.
I am tired of being happy so you don’t have to deal with my anger toward you.
I am tired of protecting you.
I am tired of being a willing prisoner in my solitude.
I am tired of thinking I am boring.
I am tired of giving my power to you.
I am tired of waiting for you to grow up.
I am tired of letting my fucked up childhood control my behavior.
I am tired of not loving you the way I need to.
I am tired of this space.
I am tired of sugar-coated answers.
I am tired of pushing away the people I need to hold close.
I am tired of opening up to only get shut down with lies.
I am tired of trying to hate you because I never could.
I am tired of believing that I need to compete with you, even though I know I will loose every victory I thought I had.
I am tired of the tapes in my head.
I am tired of abandoning myself, but I have no idea who Myself is any more.
I am tired of believing that if you love me your opinion of me is squed and can’t be trusted.
I am tired of getting my hopes up and then just watching the crash over and over.
I am tired of always comparing and never even making it on the chart.

Eric Himan - Some Getting Used To.

2010-07-29T19:08:00.001-07:00

Last night I stared at the sky
The stars were no where to be seen
But the hope of tomorrow night
Gave me the power to dream

But its taking some getting used to
Some getting used to
It’s been too long since I’ve seen you
I’ve been doing what I gotta do

Everyday I tell my heart
Someone is coming for you
And I hope to god, that my words tell my heart it’s true
But its taking some getting used to
Some getting used to
Its been too long since I’ve seen you
I’ve been doing what I gotta do

I wanna know the further I go, they is some thing out there for me
I will find my place to show me who I’m made to be
Who I’m made to be

Its taking some getting used to
Some getting used to
Its been too long since I’ve seen you
I’ve been doing what I gotta do

P!nk - Just Like A Pill

2010-07-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

Shelter / More than this

2010-07-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Wake up!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

I hang on to these words and actions that say to some degree that you still love me but I hate the fact that I still hang on like you are some god to behold and I still destroy my own greatness in place of yours. Why do I treat myself with such shit! I know I was great in our relationship. I know I was there for you and I have helped you in ways you cannot even see now but still am here putting you on a pedestal and me at your feet. Why the fuck is it so hard for me to see that through our relationship you were amazing but at the same time you were drunk or high the entire time and used me! Why the fuck do I try so fucking hard to help and why do I see time and time again that we still love each other but you have found some moving on but yet I still chain myself to the belief that you will come back to me... Am I not a gift? Am I worth a god damn thing? Am I just a fucking doormat again? No I am not. I know what we had was love and I know we had something good even though you were too fucked up most of the time but I can see now you are too lost to see a gift standing in front of you. So a message for the both of us "Get your fucking shit together." And get over it! If it will be it will be so let go and stop treating yourself like shit! You are worth more than this and if he cannot see that then his loss. He should be so lucky to have your attention!

Pain

2010-07-13T16:49:00.001-07:00

The lesson I learned in yoga today. If you're in pain, feel it, acknowledge it, taste it, and don't run from it, running just makes the pain last longer, so feel it and be it then let it go.

Thanks....

2010-07-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Thank you for showing me that I could be loved and that I could let myself love again and thank you yet again for keeping with my pattern and throwing me in the trash like all the others for this I will be forever grateful as I train myself to be dead inside, because that is what trash is, it's dead and useless. Fuck you for making me the joke of the shop that now I am still stupid Joshy that tries so hard to believe he is worth something and pours his heart and soul into those around him and then is thrown out when you're done. Thank you for the nail in the coffin my friend thank you! I hope you know what you lost, and yet I still wait, now that just makes me pathetic but you knew that when you threw me out like all the others.

John Mayer ft. Taylor Swift - Half Of My Heart (Official Video)

2010-07-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

I connected to this song today, aka I cried to this song today. LOL but it makes sense. I am so sick of writing and talking about all this but it's true half of my heart has a grip on the situation and is moving on and half of my heart is still holding on with a death grip. It's so much easier when they are assholes and you can just say fuck you and be done with it, but no, we are still in love and after talking to him the other day I think he still knows that we had something good and I think he wants it back, but he has a hell of a lot of healing to do and the space thing we have now is good because slowly my heart is realizing the fact that it can't control this and the sooner I let go and let god the sooner I will heal. I think I need to watch Under the Tuscan Sun again , it is filled with all of that "everything will work out," "just let go" stuff and it always makes me feel better so we will see. So Josh let go! I think I am going to write that on my hand so I will remember!

Wake up

2010-07-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

So I went to a Zen meeting with my friend David yesterday and it was great to have a place where I could dive into myself and just let myself figure stuff out and I had a vision while in there that really helped me see what my problem is with Chas. The vision showed me happy with someone else and then showed Chas all dirty kneeling away from me and seemed to be coming back to me and a voice said why wont you move on and I said I can’t… and the voice said why? And I responded with because I want to make him happy… I want to make him happy?… and the voice said well what about you? What about your happiness? It killed me to see it. To hear, that yes I still do I care more about his happiness than mine. I thought I had moved past this. I was very happy with Chas but at the same time I really lost myself in there trying to help him and trying to save him from himself. I wanted so bad to show him that yes someone could love him and someone would fight to have him in their life, unlike what his past partner did but what I was trying to do was give that to me and Chas did do that for me but his grief and his problems were too much and he let me go. The real reason I am not moving on is because I am still waiting and I want to make him happy, not because it is my highest good but because yet again I am forgetting myself in order to try to save someone else. I still miss him and I have been a lot lately for many reasons and I have been helping his family a ton with getting him help but I think it’s time for me to step back and step out of it because it is dragging out feelings again for him that are still there but I had quieted. I just need to focus on me right now. I have done all I can right now for him. I have helped his family get some of the tools they need to help him and if they want me to help in another way I will but at the same time I need to step out of this and just be me for five minutes and just heal me but at the same time I find tears welling in my eyes to hear that. I have spent all my life putting myself on the back-burner to help others and I don’t know if I really can learn to care about me as much as I care about others. I told Angie this last night and she told me “you just need to take care of you” and for some weird reason that hurt. I always think I am ok and I need to just be strong to take care of people and that’s where I am with Chas, he is so fucked up yet he loved me enough to let me go and I need to love me enough to let me go too. That statement is so hard for me to say because I get myself so involved and attached to people and I seem to draw in the broken ones so I get caught up in their bullshit and in the process of helping them I loose myself completely. So I think I need to be quiet and let my soul be free to heal. Let’s hope I can do that for once.

Dear distraction

2010-07-05T21:53:00.001-07:00

I still like you, you sweet soul you have blessed my heart in ways you will never know. I am so sorry I disappeared on you but I love that you are here again to help me see how much I miss my formal love but also that you and I could have something but at the same time you deserve to have all of me if we try to have something and right now I will be just distracting myself from my love of the last and you deserve more, but maybe when I have said goodbye finally I will be able to love you like you and I deserve.

Goodbye

2010-07-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

I am now coming to terms with the fact that I need to say that one word that hunts my thoughts that this song so eloquently states my feeling on my past relationship and the next step. I really believe the line that says “you were my lesson I was to learn and I was you fortress you had to burn” and that is so true with Chas and I. I needed to see that yes someone could love me and that yes I am worth something, and he had to bun me, his fortress from that pain that aches in his heart. God, how I miss him and I do love him and I believe he loves me more just because I know he had to let me go so we could both heal and learning that I need to say goodbye to him, so I can bring new things in to my life and not live waiting for him. He may come back but right now he can’t even hold himself up let alone try to hold his part of a relationship. Even though I would wait for him, I need to give myself a chance and love myself like he loves me and let myself say goodbye to the past and grab on to the future and maybe he will be there and maybe not, but I need to say goodbye. I need to say goodbye to that relationship we had because it will never be again because we will never be the same people again so even if we try again it will never be the same so goodbye to it. I was so terrified to say goodbye to this relationship for fear of loosing him completely but I know now they only way we can be anything is to say goodbye to so something more can come along. We are just friends now and I really want to be just that right now so I can be open to more down the line but also be ok with just being friends. “Freedom comes when you never let go and creation comes when you never say no.’ I know I can never let go of what we had and I can never say I don’t love him but I can move on and say yes to creating exactly what I want. For today I am learning to say goodbye.

Eric Himan Go On

2010-07-01T13:07:00.000-07:00

This song has helped me out a ton so I made a video of it.

Letting go

2010-07-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

So this week I have really been trying to focus on me and healing me and I have come to the understanding that I need to let go and let god. I have been trying so hard to control and express my love for my former boyfriend, mainly because I am getting the silent treatment from him but I know he loves me and I know everyone around him knows I love him so I need to stop worrying about it and let go because if it is fate and we are meant to be together we will be and if not we won't. I know he is overwhelmed with life right now and is pushing me away but I am not going to give up he is still my friend and I am not going to give up on him! I am also trying to remember my worth. He should be so lucky to have me, I am a great person and I would do anything for those I love especially those I am in love with but he can't have me and I can't have him for the time being so I am going to let go and leave it for now and let him and myself heal. One day maybe we will try again but not today. So hopefully I can hold on to this bliss and continue to believe in myself and have faith that I will find exactly what I want with him or with someone else. I still love him and he loves me but you all know that so I'll shut up now. :)

Loneliness

2010-06-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

Loneliness has been a sound that has tore in my head since I was a child. This sound has rang so loud and strong through my whole life to the point that my ears have become accustomed to it’s over whelming scream. Then it all stopped when I finally had a home and then there was silence and I could really hear my heartbeat and the world around me. I had a heart to make my home in and now that it is gone and the ringing has begun again and I am yet to become accustomed to the loneliness that pierces my ears and heart again. Home come back to me so I can once again feel side by side with you again.

Drunken writing... again...

2010-06-27T22:20:00.001-07:00

Why do still sit here thinking that there is something I haven't said to you and that I still wish I could hold you tight and that I wish I could be there with you to pull your shit together. How many ways can I say I love you when I have said it a thousand times before and you have said thousand times back. God how I wish I could have you still even though I know how completely fucked up you are but I know the man beneath the shit and I love him so much and would do anything in my power to be with him. God I wish I would stop feeling so fractured. I feel like I am fine on the outside but so completely destroyed on the inside.

Not ready

2010-06-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am having a moment of bliss today, where I am not pining away like normal. I am just trying to accept me being not ready. I know I have options when it comes to possible mates and I know I have hurt some in my process and I am sorry for that. I also don't need to say I am sorry in the fact that I am not ready for anything with anyone right now. For the first time this morning I thought to myself if my former boyfriend came back I would say "yes do I want to be with you and yes I would love to be with you but I can't until I know your are ready and you are not." A part of me is screaming to run into his arms and jump right back in, but I know it will be the same and I will never feel good enough until he can move past his ex and get his life together. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me but he is far too damaged right now to be with anyone and I know I still want him and I know I am not ready to explore something with some else until I move past him so until then I am not ready so I just need to accept that fact and be not ready not for him and not for anyone else just for me.

Too Perfect...

2010-06-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry some more songs that fit too damn well. I really want to stop this and move on! I am so sick of writing, talking and crying about this! I want to move on so bad but I keep holding on! I just want to free myself. In some ways I think it's easier when they smash your heart to pieces because you can be angry and move on but in this case we are still in love but it's not time and that is the hardest part. I am doing better, it's just I find little things that remind me how much I miss him and I fall right into it for a moment. I take it as progress that I only do this about every other day and not everyday all day, but these two songs are just perfect... My only hope is that through me pouring my heart into my writing and really saying how I am feeling will help me get through this and also maybe it will help someone else along the way.

Simple together

That Particular Time

Father's Day

2010-06-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

So I thought I need to write about father's day because it is that day and I don't talk about it often. My dad was never really around much when i was a kid and I remember looking at other kids and saying why can't I have a dad like that. My dad just really wasn't there that often but as I grew I got use to it and just let it be. Today I feel drastically closer to my dad because I finally was pushed out to tell my dad I was in love with one of his mechanics and surprising to me he was open to it. My dad is very conservative and being the only son I felt like I was pushed to have kids and carry on the family name, but when I told him he was extremely supportive and now that my relationship is over with his mechanic he has been so supportive in helping me come to terms with myself and my feelings for "the love of my life." I feel so drastically closer to him and I am so thankful of that! Plus through this past relationship a dream was instilled in my head. He and I had talked a little about kids and adopting, we were in no place to do anything like that yet but the dream was there and last night my friend's daughter got a cut on her head and while taking care of her it kicked it right home that I still want kids! I would love to have that dream with my former boy-friend and we still might if he gets his life together, but none the less with him or not I know what I want and I want to one day have kids so grandpa and grandma can have grand-kids of their own. My roommate told me that I would be a great dad and I would one day like to be just that, so if I dream big enough and not get in my own way I will find or (re)find someone to share this dream with. So none the less happy father's day dad, I love you!

Songs

2010-06-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

This one is for my current state.

This is the song I need to listen to.

This is what my babe must be going through...

A Long Way To Happy (not so much...)

2010-06-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

So my roommate posted this video the other day and I love this song and it's lyrics have made me tear up a couple times but I think in many ways you have to choose to be happy. I mean, I am still getting over my break up but I am doing better, sure I still have days when I get down, but they are getting farther apart so I guess I am healing. I have also come to the conclusion that I need time. I have been trying to switch to the friend mode with my former boy-friend and pushing probably too hard and in so many words I think he needs space and time and in reality I need it too, so I am going to take a hiatus from trying to reconnect and just "leave it" as he use to say. I thought I was a long way to happy like the song says but it's not true. I am happy on my own. I know I want to be happy with him or someone else but it's not the same happy it's different. Yes, you can be happy on your own but yeah it is better with someone there but happy can be found alone as well. So until someone comes around or back, I will work on being happy and choose everyday to be happy on my own and try to give myself those times to let things out and grieve. I too often hide my emotions and swallow my tears because I feel I shouldn't cry but there are times to celebrate joyously and times to grieve terribly so I need to do just that and get back to me. All things come in their own time so I need to just let them and not try to control them.

Gran's wisdom.

2010-06-16T14:52:00.001-07:00

"There's no sense banging your head up against a wall trying to prove you love them when if they didn't know, it wouldn't scare them so much, and one day they will see the gift you are but not until they stop trying to kill themselves and when that happens they can only hope that you will still be free to try again. Even though you would wait forever for them you need to move on and if it is fate you will be together but until it's time. Let go! They should feel so lucky to have your love and they will see it even if it's too late. Besides you don't want them right now they are broken and need to heal so let them do that!" Thanks Gran! I needed that!

Worth

2010-06-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about worth lately. I know I have pining away for my recent lost love and I have been trying like hell to move on but at the same time wishing and praying that he will come back but after a recent wake up call. I noticed that I have not been looking at my worth. I have been pounding my head trying to find out a away to help him and forgetting me and I think that the best way to help him is to stop trying and help me. I really need to remind me right now that I am a catch and right now he can’t have me and maybe down the road he will want me and want to come back to me and I wish and pray for that but maybe right now and maybe forever I am just not right for him. I know we had our issues and I know he felt at times that he was taking advantage of me and I never felt that way. I just think it’s time for me to bury the hatchet and move on and maybe that hatchet will grow into something but right now I can’t have him and he can’t have me so it’s time for me to move on and find someone that will want me and give my dear friend time to heal and give me time to heal as well. I need to remember that right now he has a ton on his plate and if he needs to do this without me then that is his choice and he knows I would be there to help him if he needs it but he also can't see that right now. He can't see what an amazing person I am and I would do anything for him but he can't have me right now so I need to find someone that can and that can take me on. I need to give that to me! I need to give myself a chance to see that I have been worried so much about him and I have not been even letting me grieve and not letting me find anger to move on. I am not angry at him because I love him but I am angry that he can't see a gift standing right in front of him or maybe he does and is far to damaged right now to see and take it, so I have got to move on! Tomorrow is a new day and there are millions of people out there that would be able to see me for me and see what my worth is and will be able to take what I have to offer. Still a piece of my heart will wait for him but I can still move on and when the stars align in our favor we may have another chance, but until that sky opens up I am going to heal myself and hope he is healing himself as well. Gods bless us both and let the healing begin!

Eric & The Adams - "Open The Door" - Club 209 Tulsa, OK

2010-06-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

To my babe.

Under the influence writing... but it is honest....

2010-06-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

So, this is how you do it. You fill yourself with a case a beer and smoke until you don't feel the pain that haunts your head and heart each day. So here I am following your footsteps and learning to dull my pain for you and quiet the daemons attacking my head that continually tell me you were never in love with me and that yet again I have given my heart away only to have it kicked to the side again to show me yet again that I am too far below the bar to be anyone's one. So here I sit with my heart bleeding for you because you still have it and I pray that I will be able to have you back. All I want is to come home to you so here is my life in your eyes, gods please give me back my beau all healed up so we can be free to come home to each other.

Thank you

2010-06-13T01:43:00.001-07:00

I have spent my whole life feeling rejected and alone and then you came along for the first time I let myself fall completely and I felt finally that I had come home and I wasn't alone. I did feel for the first time I wasn't in a fight and that I wasn't just surviving, I was actually happy. I have always been a content person but you made me actually happy. I will be forever thankful!

A visit

2010-06-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I went to visit some friends up north and I had a good time! I miss them all terribly! I also went and saw my "friend" for lack of a better word and it went well. As much as I tried to not talk about our past relationship it came out anyway but it went well! It was really good to see him and just chat and to be honest not much has changed, sure I still miss him like crazy and even though he said he did not as much as I but his actions said another story. The way the night ended left me missing him even more but also with some closure that we still feel the same way about each other. So again maybe one day we will be again, but I am trying really hard to move on because as I noticed from my visit he is not at all ready for us. So I have to be true to me and move on as hard as it will be! I must keep myself open to someone else even if a big part of my heart is waiting for him, but moving on is what I need and will do once I finish some well needed grieving for a person I care about more than anything! One day we will see, but not today. A quote I heard from my new obsession (show) Being Human said "the most valuable thing in life is second chances," and that is so true! Angie and I were talking about it and added to the quote by saying "The most valuable thing in life is second chances because most people don't get them so grab them when the come along the path." I hope one day I will have a second chance with him and I have to keep the faith that if it's fate, it will happen. I know I will always have a friend in him and I will always love him and he will always love me so friends we will be until we are ready to try again.
Today I walked up to the Whole Foods to get some actichrome and yah it wasn't there... so I got about an hour long walk and stop in a new agey store and bought some rose quartz and had a good time hoping not to get rained on! It was good to get out! It's so nice to live so close to things that I don't have to drive. So we will see what stuff I will get into tomorrow. I need to do homework! I have been trying to stay on it but not having to go to class is hard! I hate online classes! I miss bitching about the class with people! LOL We will see! Thanks for reading! Night.

Day two...

2010-06-08T15:16:00.001-07:00

Ok so it is my second day off for summer break. Yesterday was hell! I was bored out of my mind! So today I planned on picking up the house and doing the dishes and I kind of slept last night! I did wake up at the regular 5:58am but I fell back to sleep, which was nice! So around 11 my buddy Jon called me and we went to breakfast and then I came home to get stuff done around the house so I did the dishes and picked up and then went for a long walk in the park and talked to my mom and Angel on the phone while walking. It was nice because these blinds are starting to feel like bars... Tomorrow I am going to Ogden to see friends. So it should be fun and I won't be in this house any more! YAY!!! I had so many plans for this summer but things changed and now I have to figure something out down here instead of where I was hoping to be. I am also toying with the idea of moving back up north because through this break up I have noticed how much I miss my friends and my family! I mean my roommate and my friends I do have down here are great but I miss them all the same, so we will see. There are several months to go. So I have got to find something to do to keep myself from missing my "friend" (I don't know what to call him) and not crying about it all the time and try to stay up beat! That's the goal!

My torch (Torch by Alanis Morissette) only my version.

2010-06-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

Torch

I miss your smell and your style
And your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life
And your body in bed next to me
Miss your stories about lunch break
And when you would turn up the radio for Phil
Miss cracking up at people and hearing your dreams
Our debriefs at end of day

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait
And your sharing your inner workings
Miss you meeting me on the porch when I got home
waiting with a kiss
Miss wondering in the truck to Idaho
And scratching lotto tickets in bed
Miss our projects around the house
And you watch you love the kids

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer
I soldier on
Stimulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought
Of us bringing up our oriental kids
And the moments when you were anal and the moments when you weren’t

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

Back for more

2010-06-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

So I have decided this is the official song dedicated to my 'ex,' I hate using that word to describe him because it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, like it was bad or something, because it wasn't. I still love him with all my heart and I would love to have him back, as the song suggests. I know he is not in a great place and I will always keep my heart open to him. One big thing I have learned through this process is that as much as I try to move on and stop loving him makes it worse, so I feel I need to just accept I love him and I always will, because I always have ever since we were kids, so I just need accept that I will always love him and with a little luck we will be able to try again but if that never happens I still will always love him and my heart will always be open to him, whether friend or more, I am hoping more. :) Another song is "Hear You Breathe" by Eric and the Adams. It's too true!

I think this song says how I really felt in the relationship though... I guess my spidey sense was right...

What I would do!

2010-06-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed with people who take advantage of things. I can’t believe people who sleep around and cheat on their partners! I would do anything to have a relationship with someone and I would stay devoted to them completely! I had a relationship for three months and it completely changed my life and made me realize that I want that! I want so bad to have him back, but at the same time, it is not just because I want a relationship or because I am lonely but because he is amazing. I mean we had some issues but I would work through them and work my ass off to have him back and keep him! I would do anything to have him back in my life, but I know he is not in a place where we can be and I am willing to wait for him and I know my heart always will but I need to move on and try to find something else but at the same time I want him to be the one. I will wait in many ways, but I need to find my faith that I will find someone. Hopefully he will soon heal and I can have the love of my life back. Even though we were only together a short time I have been in love with him all my life and having him like I did was a dream come true and I pray that one day he will be healthy enough and I will be ready for our lives to come together again. Please god hear this prayer!

I miss you

2010-06-02T06:28:00.001-07:00

How can I really express how much I miss you?
I miss your dirty beat up shirts.
I miss your sweet and creative ways to kiss me.
I miss your cute smile when you laugh.
I miss our little banter and giving each other shit.
I miss your laid back style. I miss your folding your dirty clothes.
I miss your anal ways of doing things.
I miss our random trips to Idaho.
I miss scratching lottery tickets in bed.
I miss holding you in bed for hours at a time.
I miss showers with you.
I miss giving you massages to the point you fell asleep.
I miss waking you up to go to bed when you fell asleep on the couch.
I miss trying to take pictures of you when you weren’t looking.
I miss being happy with you.
I miss the tough of hair on your lower back.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night to watch you sleep.
I miss your snore.
I miss cuddling all night even when I was sweating so bad I couldn’t stand it.
I miss kissing you every chance I get.
I miss hearing and saying I love you at least 1,000 times a day.
I miss the dream we had for us.
I miss being woken up by the kids in the middle of the night.
I miss us being smashed together in bed.
I could go on and on but finally It is just
I miss you and I love you more than you know.

Alone by Eric Himan

2010-05-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

“Alone”

I’ve done all the right things
Gave my charity to every cause
So they say that one day, my love will come along
Dear God, was I meant to be alone?

Spend my time helping those through the love
The looking glass I am so jealous of
Been so busy with others stories, lost track of where my heart has gone
Dear God, was I meant to be alone?

I once had faith destiny… the older I get the harder it is to believe
But if its true there must be someone just as blue and lonely for me…

The couple’s dance to my serenade…
My lonely heart strums the music …makes …them…sway
But I’m only to blame, for I’d do the same if someone came along
Dear God…Dear God…Dear God…was I …meant to be…alone…

Waiting on love

2010-05-29T16:42:00.001-07:00

The sight of you always let my heart a flutter ever since I can remember my heart has begged for you and then I got my chance to play in your world and we both fell hard into a space where we could finally find love in each other and what we had was messy and a little damaged on both ends but our love was healing wounds sweetly and softly but the time came for you to wake up and see you weren’t ready. So loving me like you do you let me go and with my heart still with you I left only hoping one day we would find our love again and someday heal completely and be in each other’s arms and be side by side and hold on to us and take on to this world together so here I am waiting for you to make your way around again.

What I wish I had said....

2010-05-22T22:40:00.001-07:00

À mon beau

2010-04-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

j'aime quand tu baisses les yeux
pour rêver à deux
assis sur un banc de sable

j'aime quand ton ventre se fait rond
quand je pense aux prénoms
à lécole et aux cartables

alors ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me laisse pas
ma vie se balance et se joue avec toi
ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me fais pas ca
ma vie se commence et finit avec toi

j'aime, quand tu donnes la vie
à ma mélodie
quand tu comprends ma douleur

j'aime, quand je vois le tout petit
bonhomme qui sourit
quand j'efface ses pleurs

alors ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me laisse pas
ma vie se balance et se joue avec toi
ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me fais pas ca
ma vie se commence et finit avec toi

et toi qui m'as donné, l'enfant et l'espoir
en des lendemains, qui sonnent
je veux te dire surtout ne t'en vas pas, dis
reste auprès de moi
comme un echo qui me résonne

je pense à toi, ne m'abandonne pas
ne m'abandonne pas, je ne suis rien sans toi

(alors ne m'abandonne pas)
je pense a toi, ne m'abandonne pas
ne m'abandonne pas, je ne suis rien sans toi

(alors ne m'abandonne)
alors ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me laisse pas
ma vie se balance et se joue avec toi (alor ne m'abandonne pas)
ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me fais pas ca (non non non)
ma vie se commence et finit avec toi

alors ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me laisse pas (surtout ne me laisse pas)
ma vie se balance et se joue avec toi (non non ne me laisse pas, pas comme ca)
ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me fais pas ca (non)
ma vie se commence et finit avec toi

à un ami passé

2010-04-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Mon Ami,

Serai-je sous votre ombre toute ma vie ? Est-ce que je suis votre remplace ? Puis-je accepter qu’il pourrait m’aimer au même niveau qu’il vous aimait ? Est-ce que je suis juste le chauffeur qui était vous ? J’espère qu’il peut vous lâcher et m’aimer tellement comme vous. Comment est-ce que vous pouvez le partir comme ça ? J’espère que vous êtes content au paradis. Je suis désolé que vous avez pensé que votre monde était aussi mal et vous aviez partir lui et vous, qui est plus grave. Au même temps, il faut que je dis qu’il y a une partie de moi qui est très heureux qu’en ce moment je suis avec lui au grâce de vous donc merci mon ami. J’espère que vous pouvez me guider à cette nouvel expérience et être en paix.

Merci

Closing

2010-03-10T17:09:00.001-08:00

There you go out my door out of my life out of my mind with little strings hanging behind of what you did and how you changed my life but now I see you are gone and I thank you for leaving and saving me the pain of dealing with my emotions for you. I sit back and remember the pain you have caused me but I also remember the joy you filed me with and how you have opened me to the world in a new way and now I live in a different life and am able to feel parts of humanity that I would never have let myself feel with out you in it. Yet I am so ready to close my door to you and be free to open myself to freedom without me pulling myself down in your presence. Thank you for the joy and thank you for the pain one day I will get what you owe so watch your back...

Love?

2010-02-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

So long time since writing in. Sad thing is I have had a ton to write about these days between work pissing me off and my students being sweet to the fact that for the first time in my life I am actually in a relationship and I love it! We have only been dating for 3 weeks and I have to say I have fallen for him again... yes I said again because the guy is a family friend on my dad's side and I have known him since I was probably 7 and admittedly I have had a crush on him and fell for him years and years ago and he admitted to falling for me when we were kids too but his life and my life took us away from each other for a bit but here we are. He was the first to say those 3 little words and now we say them to each other all the time. I am really happy and all my instincts are telling me to jump right into things but I have a lease where I live now for 8 more months, yes he is counting, but I think the distance and the lease are a good thing it keeps us from moving too fast and not enjoying this process, so we are taking our time as much as we can. I have started taking my class up near him so on Wednesdays I see him and he tells me it is his favorite day of the week. I am really extremely happy but still I am hesitant and still want to take things slow. Before we became "official" I had to come out to my dad because to make things a little less boring he works for my dad... and he didn't want to start anything and have to hide it so I tol dad and he was cool with everything and was actually excited for us, he has his concerns, but excited non the less. He has told most of his family and we have gone over to his uncles several times and all is well, not to mention his family loves me! lol I am not sure where this affair is going to go but we will see; I will just have to hang on for the ride.

Honesty

2010-01-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

I always ask for honesty in all my relationships, but when it comes to me being honest about me and my past I feel so utterly pathetic about my past, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I am the guy that 5 minutes into meeting someone they usually let all their dark secrets out on the table for me to see and I love it! I love to see people express themselves and I am always blown away by their openness and honesty, but when I am honest I feel so stupid, maybe it’s because I usually open up to the wrong people and lets face it I have HORRIBLE taste when it comes people I feel I need to be open with, but once in a while I let someone in and I feel great about it and I feel good that they now know of my dead to natural disaster of a love life and I don’t tear myself apart for letting them into my patheticness so who knows maybe these will heal one day and I will see them as badges of honor and not as the gapping wound I see from time to time. I’m very thankful of new friends who I find through my openness with them we find some common ground.

Blogging?

2010-01-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

So I have been trying to write and get some of these ideas and emotions out on a page and I have done a few poems but nothing I have wanted to post. I have always been the type of guy to just bleed on the page and don’t look back but I see right now that I need to keep my mouth shut to protect people I love but at the same time it is forcing me quite my own thoughts and dam up my emotions. I am moving in to this space of worrying whether my writing is good enough and the only thing I can think of is possibly life is imitating artistic process. I have been wanting to write because it is really the best way I can process what’s rambling in my head, I don’t really like to talk about how I feel and the sort so I usually write it, then I don’t feel like I am forcing someone to listen to me whine or hear some crazy weird idea I have. I hope at one point I will come back and be my fuck all self but I don’t think it will be for a bit, so for now I will be silent and wait for things to blow over, dive into my journal and not make my thoughts so public.

A process...

2010-01-11T17:02:00.001-08:00

Missing

2009-11-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

It’s funny what you wake up to when you realize what you had is gone. It’s sad what you missed when it goes away but when it was right at you finger tips you were too blind to grasp it and take a chance and now it’s gone and lost and you will always wonder what could have been. If I was just a little stronger and a little less scared of myself.

Mirror

2009-10-16T15:50:00.001-07:00

How do I show you the person that they see? How do I show you the person they rant and boast about? How do I be the man you say I am because as I put myself out on the line I see that no one wants to get to know this soul and when they have just a glace they see the person I see, that worthless freak that I am, but how do I see that person you see because when I try and see that me in the mirror. I see it and I love that man in the glass but then those outside my circle see me and then get a taste of me and then they see the man I saw before and I am reminded that the person you boast about isn’t real and I am again that worthless sac I always thought I was.

Patterns

2009-10-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

I really don’t get it. I have a nice body but no you look away as I glance your way. I am a daemon in the sac and you won’t give me a try. I am a really good kisser but I guess my lips are too dry for your taste. I am cute but I guess that is only when your too drunk to see who your caressing. I guess I am not sexy but at least people say my personality is but there again that’s too boring, or maybe I am not and they were just trying to find a nice way to tell me I am not worth the cruise. I am the most loyal person you will ever meet but I am not good enough to hold your hand. I have the biggest heart you will ever see but I guess I am not important enough to inhabit a corner of yours. I have a great sense of humor but I guess your just laughing at me. I guess I could go on and on how wonderful I am but I guess all these thing I have been told are not true because here I sit trying to catch a glance but I am just not good enough to meet your standards. I have tried to blame you that there is something wrong with you but I see that there can’t be so it must be me. I have tried my entire life trying to be me without apologies and not listen to everyone who told me I should be this or that and now I see I should have listened because they were right I guess the world is telling me that all these qualities are just not good enough. So what the fuck is wrong with me, so I can fix it.

Prague

2009-07-31T23:53:00.000-07:00

SO this city is amazing! It is nothing like how I imagined it. I thought it was going to be EASTERN EUROPE, dun dun dun and be really scary semi communist and dirty and poor but it was not at all it was extremely clean but there are the effects of the Russian rule still here. We noticed that they are still really repressed in certain ways but are opening up, I mean they have only been minus Russia for 20 years. But this city is really cool and beautiful. We have met two people here first Sanne, who is Danish and she is kick ass we hung out with her a lot, then last night we basically ran in to a guy on the street David from Spain and we went out last night and talked and had a beer until about 1:30. So we have met a ton of really awesome people.
We went on the castle tour yesterday and had a great time. I had to translate a couple times for some French tourists, they were really nice, and we successfully did not kill these Americans that could not understand English, proper English and this woman that would not shut up, the intire group was talking about killing her... when we took the train up the hill the job of the group who had her on their cart was to push her off but they didn't... BASTARDS!!! Well we leave for Cologne today but gotta run. Ciao or how ever you say it in Czech... I have given up this language is too damn hard. LOL

The three A's Arles, Avignon, and Amsterdam

2009-07-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ok so Avignon was really cool there was a lot of street performers and TONS of people and our hotel was FANTASTIC but we had a problem and we only had it for the one night. What happened was the the reservation I had made was canceled on accident by the company that I booked it through because I had made the same reservation twice and the lady before I left was supposed to just delete the one and instead she deleted the whole thing... but it's ok the hotel had a room for the first night so we stayed there and then had to go to Arles, where I found another hotel. Avignon and Nimes were all booked up. So we got to see Arles too, thanks for the suggestion Mike, and it was awesome!
So now in Amsterdam we have had a great time! This city is so cool! I got Allen high for the first time lol. We are planning on going on a pub crawl tomorrow and I think we will die lol.... Our hostel is actually really nice we are in a room with 20 other people and it is pretty good everyone stays really quiet. I met a girl named Lilly and she was nice, very high... but nice. I will keep you updated as I get a chance love ya.

France

2009-07-21T02:40:00.000-07:00

Sory I have not written I have ben really busy but I am having a blast in France. Julie and Ben are too swet and have taken us everywhere, we leave for Normandy and Mont St. Michel, I am so excited| Allen and I have done a hel of a lot of wondering in the city of lights and check out a lot of Pigall.... LOL So hopefully I will get some more time to to write more soon. Ciao| Hi dad and Angie :)

London the first days.

2009-07-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

So my flight was alright we got delayed getting in to JFK and I thought for sure I had missed my flight to London but they held the plane for us so got on the plane at around 18:30 amd was on my way, but we did not leave the airport until 20:00.... but I was sitting next to a family from Quebec and they were a really sweet family. So after sleeping about an hour on the plane I get London and going through customs I met a couple Americans going on study abroad at the University of London, and I helped them find it. Then I met up with a kid from AZ and I helped him find his flat. Then made it down to my cousins' and after an hour or so I find out that my cousin had gone out to the sirport to get me and I had not seen her. So I felt reall bad! Soon after that we went and ate at a Porugese cafe it was realy nice. Then yesterday I spent the day with Lou meeting her friends and hanging out at a park and at his really cool pub, which we snuck boooze in lol, it had cool little tree houses in the back. While at the park Lou's friends where planing "rounders" which looks exactly like Softballl with a few rules left out, it was a lot of fun. One of Lou's friends Iy, I have no idea how to spell her name, invited me to come see her sing at a pub on Saturday, so hopefully I can get over there to see her. Well off to have pie and mash with Lou. I'll write again when I get a chance.

Lake Powell

2009-06-30T19:29:00.001-07:00

So I wen to Lake Powell with the fam (mom's side) and had a blast! My buddy Angie went with me and ended up take a nasty bruise home as a souvenir, but I think she had a good time. My mom and my step dad rented a house boat and we took it out on the lake found a beach of our own and parked it for a week. My step-dad, Dave, brought his fishing-ski boat for us wonder on. We rode out and saw a lot of the sights and some of this ENORMOUS lake/dam. Most of the fam was there Mom, Dave, and his kids, Stephanie and her husband Mike, Jacque and he husband Tyler and their two kids Macie and Keaton, and Brady didn't make it. Steph and Mike are always awesome. Now Mike has ordained the Princess and aka Captain Bob, Tyler is now Butterfly Man and I am Aquaman or Scuba Steve to Tyler.
It completely freaks me out how smart Macie and Keaton are! Keaton is two and can spout out complete sentences and Macie, who is four, can argue like a teenager...
I spent some time hiking with Tyler and we had good bonding time talking about the evils of dams and enviromental terrorism, that was more me. He read a little out of the book he was reading by Edward Abby and it made a lot of sense, yes Dams are evil and stupid ideas. Tyler recommended a couple books for me to read and I went and got on called Desert Solitaire by Edward Abby and I plan on reading it on my trip to Europe.
Not to mention Angie fell getting on to the boat a bruised her leg pretty bad so she was the gimp of the trip. LOL
I proved that I can still eat more than anyone and I am stronger than I or anyone else thought, yes I am the tube riding champion, self proclaimed... Over all a great trip and I am looking forward to leaving for England tomorrow!

Camping

2009-06-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I went camping with some friends this weekend and had a great time! We had some whining from people not use to sleeping in tents but all in all a good time! We went up to Idaho and went rafting down the Bear River, sadly I did not get to go because one of the tubes popped but all the others got to go and I have been down it many times so not a big deal. Sadly later Saturday the rain hit us hard and we decided to head out. I would have toughed it out but oh well, so we ended up at my mom's place, she was gone, so we slept there and I made my famous pancakes and cleaned up and came home, good trip. Now I have to get ready for Lake Powell and the week after that I will be heading for Europe for a month. I never thought I would be this busy during the summer.

Random Facebook status.

2009-06-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

is listening to a lot of Marilyn Manson and Linkin Park. Does that make him an angry white boy? because he is not really that angry... humm Josh wonders if he starts to read Martha Stewart Living maybe he will start embezzling money, or playing GTA and steal a car, or watching Desperate Housewives and make him want to shtoop the gardener... or listening to christain music and want to read to bible and finding all the contradictions and have to read Thomas Jefferson's version just get some truth.

Beginning of summer

2009-06-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

So been a while so I thought I would write in. So I was really worried about the coming summer because being that I am a new teacher and now have my summers off, I thought oh shit what am I going to do with myself. I knew I was going to Europe for at least a month so that would take up some of the time but what to do with the rest? Well so far this first week I have not been bored at all... between running friends to court and playing therapist, and relationship coach, I have been really busy and it has been really good, well not so good for my friends but it is keeping me from going insane. I am going camping this weekend, which is going to be a blast! Plus I am waiting on some phone calls that will prove interesting. I have also started writing regularly again and working through some anger and it has been awesome, but I doubt I will post those writings just because, I had no idea I felt that way, but now it's out not in so that's good. So growth is good. Well we will see what other stuff I can get into while I am free.

Shine

2009-05-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Seeing old friends in trouble and new friends in places I wish I could save them from. So this song is for you lot! :)

Hermitting

2009-04-26T16:57:00.001-07:00

I find myself lately just wanting to tunnel in and be alone more and more just hermitting myself. I am just trying to get some things figured out. I have had a couple balls thrown at me and I am not sure how to handle them. I am feeling really good over all. I have gotten myself back to my goofing off jumping on the bed Josh that has been gone for a while, even though after a weekend in Las Vegas with my best friend I found out I annoy the hell out of him... which has to some degree been ripping me to shreds but it’s ok I had fun. I have made a friendship extremely more complicated and am not sure what to do with it; I still cannot find the words to even begin to decipher through those emotions.
It’s been freaking me out a little I have had several people just continually express their want and need to be around me and I can’t understand why. One of my oldest friends expressed fear of what would happen to our little family when I go to Europe this summer. She said that last time I went everything fell apart. I just can’t see how I do any of that. I just can’t see how people want to be around me all the time. I just can’t see how people love me the way they say they do. I don’t do anything. I guess I can’t really see this person they seem to see.
I think one case the reason I am hermitting is because my cousin and her family are moving in so I am going to be permanently downstairs, so I guess I will be the step child in the basement, so I am just trying to get every ounce in of my solitude but that has been difficult as my friends keep popping over, which I love and I guess in their way saying good bye to their sanctuary. So who knows? I guess there wont be drunken sleepovers at my house and breakfast on Sundays anymore. ☹ I don’t know I guess I will muddle through like always. So hermit I will be so I can figure out exactly what I am feeling and where I will go next.

Christophe Maé

2009-04-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

I love this guy's music, especially this song!

Vegas

2009-04-14T17:43:00.001-07:00

So for spring break I and two friends, Max and Angie, went to Las Vegas for three days and had a fucking awesome time! We left on Thursday night and plowed all the way there, we got there at about 1 am Friday. We stayed at Caesar's Palace in a really nice suite, with a Jacuzzi tub all three of us could fit in it. When Angie went to get our key the concierge thought she was a whore... LOL! So after that we went wondering around for a couple hours and then we went to bed. I had to get used to snoring, that's all I have to say.... LOL. The next day we goofed off and Angie got drunk around noon and is now known as the Tourchette. The next day we rode out to visit some of Angie and Max's family in Henderson and then went to the Hoover dam and saw this awesome bridge they are building, it was massive! Later that night Max met up with his brother and went to dinner. Angie and I had some fun of our own. Sunday, we went to lunch at an amazing Chinese restaurant, that Angie knew of when she lived in LA. It was so cool we were the only white people in the place! Then we met up with a friend of Angies, Tonya she was really cool! Then we headed back down the road to home. I think we all were very sad to be going home. :(